Completion of 2nd year of pharmacy school + euro trip + Celestine prophecy + conversations with JJ about finding inner peace = new found appreciation and awareness.
* completion of 2nd year
* arriving back to SF finally at 5AM after a 8 hour delayed flight in philly. total 25 hours of transit time from paris.
Two weeks ago after our finals I drafted this.
“I thought I would feel a sense of accomplishment once this quarter ended. But instead I have been left with something else on my mind.
This year I found myself in a constant state of disappointment, discouragement, and an overall feeling of negativity that has been building up. This year has persistently challenged me mentally. Never have I felt so unsure about my ambitions, motives, and personal capability which if you know me I find this a very very very uncomfortable state. (I am a firm believer of finding out what you love to do, why you love to do it, and making choices in accordance to what you love doing; what do you want to achieve in life?) This pasted year I have been constantly stressed with failure upon failure not achieving the goals I have set for myself, barely dodging potential opportunities of remediation, and with essentially just trying to get by.
But I know stress is good, in fact I welcome it. I feel stress pushes you to new limits, it pushes you to see what you are capable of, it allows you to see what you are able to achieve when you try you best. Hard work pays off right? But what if it doesn’t pay off then what does that leave you with? This is where I am left confused. I don’t mess around. I accordingly balance my time well and when its grind time its grind time and I expect results. But when results are at least mediocre this disturbs me. What does this mean then to me? This beats on my mental confidence, takes a shot at my ambitions, and essentially I am left to wonder am I cut out for this? My drive and passion for what I thought love doing is running on low because I am constantly asking myself “can I do this based on my current results?” So what does this mental status result in? A unconfident, unmotivated, fearful, confused student that is constantly stressed. And this stress is not productive as I previously described stressed to be. Stress without passion and desire is wasted energy and I have been running on empty the past few miles.
Whats funny is that exactly a year ago I had this same feeling. “stay hungry” I told myself. I live and die by this. But who wants to eat when you climb the tallest tree in the land to get fruit and all you get is sour bitter fruit as opposed to sweet ripe delicacies. I thought time and interning would make me see the light. And it definitely has. Interning has showed me what applying the things I learn at school can do and how it can change and better peoples lives. ITS FUCKING AMAZING. This is why I love going to work (even though at times it can be overbearing and cumbersome; but it is stress with desire). But I guess then the issue then is proving to myself academically I can do it. Striving towards perfection and greatness is always something I pushed myself towards even though I know that that is not suppose to be the goal. The goal is growth. But when you do not receive the results you get especially when threatened by a possible reality of remediation and not graduating with the class you have started with, the class that you have grown with, have struggled with, and have come to love, it becomes hard to stay hungry. This is not a fruit that I want to eat but that is what is has been served at the table. WHERE THE FUCK IS THE REST OF THE FOOD.
Luckily I have found 1 sweet fruit for now. I have dodged this bullet for now.
Since then I have been thinking a lot, putting into perspective how I got into this distasteful and negative mind. Time away from school, this trip, this book that I have read, and a previous conversation with a good friend about prioritizing “inner peace” now as opposed to pushing it off till “next time” or once you accomplished what you have envisioned has summated into a realization to “wake up to the blessings and beauty around you and it is there you can find peace within yourself.”
Its intriguing how you can get caught up in the everyday grind and struggle especially when you are demanding of yourself. It blinds you. It shuts you off from your connection to the world around you. It blinds you from truly appreciating the blessings you do have and how far you have come. Yes grinding and striving towards progress and perfection can lead you to amazing places but once you lose sight on why you are going in that direction in the first place, whats the point then any way? You lost touch with the very source of your ambitions. Learning to be content and appreciative of the NOW is the problem since it is so easy to always say “I can do better or I need to do better or I have not gotten to where I want to be at YET.” But when will YET come? My friend has posed this question to me and I am thankful for that. YET creates this image of “not there” or “keep going youll find salvation and peace there but not HERE” which can be poisonous. It implies this idea that you must achieve before you can find rest and accomplishment. But most of the time once we have come to this “endpoint” in reality it is not the end, it is merely a check point for another “YET”, for another goal and then again we push off inner peace. So this comes to leave me thinking YET may never come but NOW has so why not embrace NOW?
Through the book I read and this trip, I have come to realize that you consciously need to take a step back and be aware of how events in your life (no matter how big or small, how bad or good), the people you encounter, and the conversations you have with these people play a role in appreciating the NOW to make you see how far you have come and how much you have grown to ultimately find peace HERE as opposed to “over there”; the green is greener on the other side they say but actually it where you water and cultivate it is where it is green. Even the “bad” roots have opportunities for growth.
These events in our lives happen for a reason, coincidence or not. But being conscious of the importance of these events sheds light on discovering new things not only about yourself but on others around you, on how you are connected with them and on how you can grow further together. This past trip was not only filled with beautiful memories and food but a significant amount of unfortunate events that triggered emotions and behaviors that I normally do not get to express in which has effect on people that I do not like and I am shameful of. But I realized that these events provide the opportunity for transparency and truth, awareness and growth, realization and appreciation. You have the opportunity to see the dark side of the moon in order to appreciate the whole. And so taking this further I see it that there will be events in your life that may seem irrelevant and may be a pain in the ass but I think there is a higher reason or a higher realization at hand but it takes consistent conscious awareness to see the relevance to ultimately bring peace within our selves. So I am thankful for what this trip has made me see.
Ultimately I am now left with this:
Keep an open and calm mind
Be consistently aware
ALWAYS know your questions, motives, and ambitions and why for this will give purpose to your struggle.
Trust your struggle.
They say don’t look back keep going forward, but sometimes you must see the past in order to see the significance in how far you have come and will be.
Appreciate the plate your served.
Progress can be beneficial, but without peace is detrimental.
But most importantly, love and do not take for granted those around you and that have come into your life, they are a beacon for support and growth.
Wake up to the beauty and blessings around you and may we find peace here.